Pops' journey into eternity

Today was an incredible day.

Today was a very hard day.

Today was the first time I have ever actually been with someone when they passed from this life into the next.

Today I had to say goodbye to my grandpa, but today I get to rejoice that he is no longer suffering.

My grandpa "Pops" has been fighting colon cancer for almost 7 years now. He was considered terminal back in August (?) as his cancer had spread to his lungs, liver, and bones. The doctors gave him three months to live. We have watched him rapidly decline and I honestly stand in awe of all that he suffered in his 7 year battle with cancer, but particularly in the last weeks. And he fought it all with the strength of a soldier and with a smile and a "can do it" attitude. Simply amazing. Makes me squemish at the lesser things I complain about.

Mom called me this morning at 6:30 telling me that he probably had a few hours left and that I needed to come. (My grandparents live about an hour north of here.) I arrived at their house about 8 this morning and immediately went to his bedside. Hospice has been helping them for several weeks now so he was in a hospital bed. My grandma ("Mani") was beside him and I was shocked at how much worse he was since the last time I saw him. It was incredibly sad and I definitely don't want to remember him that way. His breathing was labored but steady.

About an hour after I arrived, Mani went to lay down (she had been up all night) and asked me to sit with him. Slowly, over 2-3 hours, his breathing became more uneven and there were longer gaps in time between breaths. About 12:30 or 1 I went to lay down and rested for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. When I got up, Mani was by his bed again and his breathing had actually increased to where it was before. I'm convinced that he is such a fighter and was fighting so hard for Mani. She told me when I sat down, "Now I pray that he would go." I told her that I agreed because he was laboring to live at this point and we knew he wouldn't ever be normal again. She needed to step out to get some air (bless her heart, she has just suffered and been so burdened with her care of him, but has not left his side) and asked me to sit with him again.

This is where it gets good. As I sat next to him quietly asking God what I could do for him, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to worship and pray. I immediately thought of my iPod which has some great worship music on it from Ihop and asked my sister if she would go to my car and get it for me. She did and I put my ear buds in and just started worshipping and praying quietly. I was praying in the Spirit and just that the Lord would bring Pops peace and give him rest. As I continued to press in, I noticed a distinct change in his breathing. He started digressing. He was going to be with Jesus. But the enemy didn't like it. I kept saying the name of Jesus quietly and telling Pops to walk to Jesus. Pops' countenance would change as if there was a literal battle going on in his body. See the enemy is the author of death and destruction and he doesn't want God to have any ground in this regard. I was praying specifically that God would receive the glory in Pops' death. At some point I was praying and Pops looked almost as if he woke up. He jerked his body and it startled me. My Aunt Vicki was sitting at the foot of the bed and we both agreed that it was close. She new I was worshipping and praying and asked if we could pray together. I took my earbuds off and she came and held my hand and prayed. I followed her in prayer and know that the Holy Spirit took over because I don't remember exactly what I prayed, but that the theme was that God would be glorified and that Pops would go to be with Jesus. At some point my mom came and stood beside us (the Lord woke her up from her nap, she told me later) and my brothers and sister did too. Finally I realized that I wasn't listening for his breathing anymore and I opened my eyes to see that he was gone.

Now some of you know that when people die there are some vile things that happen to the body as it releases. Again, I have never experienced this before, but fortunately my mom had prepared me for this, so I immediately excused myself to go outside because I have a weak stomach. The Spirit was so strong in the house that I was crying and praising Jesus that He came and answered our prayers, IMMEDIATELY when we asked him to bring Pops peace. He also received all the glory and honor and praise:

For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality.
54But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, "DEATH IS SWALLOWED UP in victory.
55"O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY? O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING?"
56The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law;
57but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.

(1 Corinthians 15) Amen!!

Never in my life have I been part of praying someone literally into the arms of Jesus. What a blessing. I'm convinced that God did it the way He did and in the time He did so that He would not just receive glory in a few people's lives, but that His glory would be expanded into as many lives as possible, just as it is now as you read this! God prompted my Aunt to come and pray with me because, "where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst" (Matthew 18:20). He showed us His power. He showed us His glory. He increased our faith. What an amazingly good God!!! And what hope we have that we will see Jesus and Pops again one day.

Now grief will still come. We miss Pops. We hate the way he suffered at the end. My Mani, in particular, will miss him desperately. So please pray for our family. Pray that God would continue to receive the glory in this. Pray that His comfort would rest upon all of us, but especially my Mani. Pray that He would give her the strength to go on and that she would come to love Him even more through this. Pray that we would all know how to serve her and love her right now.

"Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).

Much to do about nothing...or something like that.

I love you my dear keyboard and on-screen page, but life at the present moment doesn't allow me the quality time I need with you. So how about an unfiltered, disorganized version with bullets? Great!

~I'm overwhelmed. In fact I've said of late that I'm drowning in school, teaching, home, health, and family. So the cure is that next semester I will be taking fewer courses. This will add an additional semester onto my load, but it is worth it for my sanity. This will also mean that some of my tuition will have to be paid for in student loans. Don't like this, but again sanity is pretty important. I LOVE what I'm doing, I don't like how I feel when I have a list 10 volumes thick of things I need to do.
~Health is...ehh. Just hit repeat on that cd. The main issues are that my right side is hurting. Bad. Couldn't hardly walk yesterday. Don't know why. Hoping something will show up on the scans I had today that will explain that. I also found out today that my thyroid levels are off again so they are going back up on my meds. This would, however, explain the swelling, fatigue, increased appetite and possibly the chronic sore throat. Grateful that the Lord has given me good understanding of my body; what's normal and what isn't.
~LOTS of cancer thoughts here lately. I think I'm trying to think about what I'm thinking about because I'm about to start my in-depth writing for my thesis project. Very interesting, these thoughts. Weird to analyze it from a writer's standpoint and then realize that it's me I'm thinking about. Very weird.
~My kids are amazing. Cayle can count to 40 and is writing and trying to read. Alaya is just so conversational. She cracks me up. We've also had some discipline issues here recently because she is *clearing throat* asserting her independence. Interesting the difference in she and Cayle at this age. She is very sneaky and tries to cover up her naughtiness with sweet words and batting eyes. My that child is a handful. Daddy falls for her whims more than he should, but we're a work in progress, this crew. Cayle is just so....adult. I keep telling him he needs to let mommy and daddy worry about grown up things. Example: he has been watching the news with us at night. Seriously. Like sitting down and asking us questions about it. He likes Katie Couric. :) I hear him repeating my words as he talks to himself or plays with his toys. He reminds me A LOT of me. I worried about money and my parent's fighting from the time I was a little girl. I turned out okay but I hate the thought of him taking on adult stresses at a young age. Mom and dad couldn't have prevented me from doing it though, that is just how I was. They didn't give me more information than I needed, just as we don't with Cayle. So I'll just pray that God will protect that sweet innocent heart. And that He would help Alaya not to be so sneaky. One of her favorite phrases is, "I'm gonna sneak on you." Mm, hmm. :)
~Rubbing alcohol. This smell evokes many images of doctor's offices, surgeries, CANCER for me. Dr. Anderson told me this week that when we are traumatized our recollections of the experience are through images. I thought this was very interesting and the first image I thought of was, smelling rubbing alcohol. Just one of the few notes I've taken recently.
~I had to call campus police on a student recently. Definitely not my favorite day. It was nerve wracking and I totally hate the fact that sometimes teaching isn't all I have to do with these students, but it is what it is. And that's all I'll say about that.
~If I survive this month at school I will have a big party for myself and then crash and sleep for the whole month of December. No, when I survive. WHEN I survive...

And I'll leave you with this: "Cause my diaper is AWESOME! My diaper is hard core. I'm gonna wear it and I'll wear it with pride. And if I have to pee in it, oh I'll pee." (Lexie from Grey's Anatomy)

Getting ready...

I'm getting ready to go out to eat with hubbie, kids, and friends who are about to move. I'm really looking forward to a fun evening out.

I'm getting ready in other ways too: preparing for my classes (both teaching and learning), preparing to work on my thesis project, preparing my children for life and Jesus, preparing my own heart before the Lord that I might be pleasing to Him and hear His voice...

I rode a float with about 20 other survivors at the Race for the Cure last weekend. I was by far the youngest on the float. The parade leader though was a 13 year old girl who had survived breast cancer. And I thought I was young...

As the float pulled onto the street I saw hundreds of women cheering for us...for me. Something cracked in me emotionally in that instant and I started crying. I was just in awe of the support of all these women. They didn't have to be up early and fighting the cold to be there, but they wanted to be. I managed to pull myself together until the end of the parade and as I was walking back to find my husband and kids, I lost it again.

So much of me still feels raw about all of this. I feel like it is contained in a nice clean bandage most of the time, but sometimes the bandage gets ripped off and my blood and pain begin to pour out. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever reach the bottom of this well of emotion. Part of me doesn't want to. Isn't that odd? I guess the raw-ness of it reminds me that I'm alive. It makes me run to Jesus. I can't go into the numb "robot" mode that we all tend towards. But it hurts and it is scary. Sometimes when I'm getting dressed and I move a certain way I see my breast bone protude and am reminded that these scarred up boobies aren't real. I see the fragility of them...of me. I quickly cover myself with my arm or a shirt to try to hide the bone that no one should see. It should be covered by tissue, but it isn't. It's fragile.

I've been wondering recently if my cancer has returned.

There, I said it. I haven't verbalized that until now. I find myself describing it to people and leaving it hanging...hoping for the best-case scenerio, but in my heart not really sure. Still trying to protect everyone else around me after all this time. I don't want to hurt them or worry them. Isn't that silly? But that's what I do. Why worry anyone else when me and Jesus can carry it? So I say things like, "So I have swollen lymph nodes. Maybe its just a virus...but I really do want to get to the bottom of whatever it is." I tiptoe around it. I can't just jump out and say it. Sometimes I don't believe it myself. Did I really have cancer or was that all just a bad dream? Is it REALLY possible that I've spent the last 19 months of my life being a "cancer survivor"? Bizarre.

And people don't see it coming. I find that when I tell someone new my story, they just stare right through me. Then about 20 minutes into our conversation they are like, "OH you had CANCER! How's that been?" Like suddenly it hits them, but I'm not always convinced that they believe it either. Mostly because of my age. And the fact that I have hair. Lots of hair. For some reason in most people's minds, cancer=chemo. Most people even think radiation makes you lose your hair. This cracks me up.

I wonder what stage of grief I'm in now? I'm thinking there should be one titled "rollercoaster" stage. Yep, that's where I'm at.

Moving right along...

So I'm seeing a new oncologist this week. I'm really not satisfied with the emotional care I'm getting from the current one. I have actually already switched once and am mortified to do it again but I'm not content to stay somewhere where I'm not happy with the quality of care I'm receiving. I'm hoping and praying that all oncologists aren't like this and that I can find one that I "fit" with. Please pray for me along these lines. I need communication. I need someone to freakin tell me what I'm supposed to be watching for, symtom-wise, for recurrance. NO ONE has explained this to me. I want someone to tell me why they do all the tests they do and what the results mean. I want someone to not bulk me in with the rest of their cancer patients, or even breast cancer patients, because I'M NOT. I'm 26. I'm a daughter, sister, wife, mom, friend, and my body has been through HELL the last 19 months. I want someone to feel the weight of that with me, or at least attempt to. Is that too much to ask? My breast surgeon does it!! I wish I could duplicate him into an oncologist. That would be perfect...

So I'm getting ready. Praying if there is some sneaky, stupid, duplicating, reoccuring cancer in this frail human body that it would be found soon, by a doctor, and something would be done to make it stop. And that if there is another reason that my kidney, ribs, joints, bones, and throat hurt or another reason that my neck nodes have been swollen for several weeks now...that a doctor would care enough to try to get to the bottom of it, or find a legitimate reason for it all that I can have peace about.

Is that too much to ask?

So I'm really getting ready to go out to eat now. Grateful that I can put all this down and walk away from it feeling like my mind is a little less cluttered. Grateful too for you guys that read this and pray. Thank you for wanting to know me. :)

I was asked to tell my story to Komen Arkansas several months ago and I'm really honored to be featured on their blog today. Here is the link.

What's new?

This has been a busy week. Too busy to blog, though I have considered it multiple times. I've had to do midterm grades this week for my students and I have a midterm exam that I need to work on for one of my classes, but haven't really had time. I'm doing better stress-wise because I'm trying to breathe and pace myself and stop worrying about some of the balls I'm dropping. Can't keep 'em all going!!

Yesterday I noticed a sore lymph node under my left arm (the non-cancer side) which concerned me. Last night I felt one throbbing in my left leg, which concerned me even more. I'm still having weird symtoms in my right arm and I never got to go to the breast doctor about that because I got the flu and never rescheduled. So I called today and they will see me on the 19th.

A week of waiting. What do I do? I hate even calling because I worry they think I'm a walking panic attack...not that anyone has said that, but you know how I worry about what people think too much. I guess the reason I worry in this situation is because I'm afraid if I come in and its nothing that next time it might be something and they won't want to see me. This is a problem I realize and if you've walked in my shoes and could still tell me what to do, I'm more than happy to listen. Otherwise, I probably don't want to hear it. ;)

My daughter is beating up her brother. I'm not kidding. She's bigger now and she knows it. He can still take her, but she is at least holding her own now. They sure do love each other. My dad came by the other day and gave Alaya a dollar for her piggy bank. She asked if she could have one for Cayle too. When I told Cayle about that later, he said, "That's why I love my sister so much, because she is always doing sweet things for me." So sweet!

I just realized that the paragraph before last was a little unprecedented since I haven't mentioned these lymph node/flu issues before now. Oops! Well, now you know.

I'm sorry this is really a shallow post. I have some creative things to share but I'm too distracted right now with the kids and the phone ringing. Instead I'll share some recent pictures...

Love my fam!!

I will run...

I am running through a field of tall grass. There is brightness all around me. No darkness overshadows me. I am joyful to be in the light. My hand skims the tips of the grass. The wind blows it to and fro. As I continue to run I see the forest up ahead. It is dark there. I cannot see past the first line of trees, but I continue to run. Something in me revolts at the darkness. I should not go there, but my legs propel me forward. As I enter the trees, I notice they tower above me. Suddenly the glittery light is gone. All around me is darkness. I stumble over tree roots. I cry out in pain....

I imagine myself in a dark room. So dark that I cannot see my hand in front of my face. Where is the light? I feel along the cool wall for the switch, but none is to be found. I trip, I stumble, I fall. Is there not a lamp? A flashlight? A window? Why is it so dark? There must be light! My eyes were not made to see without light. They are dialated as wide as they can be and still no light enters them. It is futile...

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.

You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.

And suddenly it is there. A miniscule flame held by the One who created the light. He beckons. I draw near to Him from the cold, blind darkness. Even the tiny flame illumines the path just enough to see. He walks and I follow. Though I can only see a step or two in front of me, I trust Him because He holds the light. He is the Light.... "in Him there is no darkness at all."

The dark, though enveloping, is cast aside and shattered by the Light. Suddenly, as though the sun were rising, the light begins to increase. It rises from around the Light Himself. It stretches to every corner, every shadow and dispels anything remotely darkened. The Light slowly takes over, inch-by-inch, and then becomes brighter and brighter. Suddenly I see. My path was darkened because I was not looking for the Lightgiver. He was with me, but I only saw darkness because I did not open my eyes...

"And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light."

He is nothing if not pretentious. He is the ultimate deceiver. It would be just like him to pretend to be that which he isn't. It is the Light who said, "I watched Satan fall like lightening from heaven." It is the deceiver who tricks us into following a false light that only leads to darkness. It is he who has deceived the minds of the living into believing that darkness is better than light....


I find myself hating the darkness both figuritively and literally. Literally I hate the darkness because I cannot see. My eyesight is so poor but the defect is exaserbated when the darkness surrounds me. My eyes only dialate so much which often leads to stumbling. Even a small bit of light is beneficial. I gravitate toward light. Who doesn't? We enjoy the sun. We grow weary of the rain. We grow weary of the darkness. People who live in areas with too much darkness have the highest rates of depression and suicide. Is this a coincidence?

Why does most crime happen in the darkness?
The darkness conceals, the light reveals. The darkness clothes and the light lays all things bare.

Is it coincidence that one of our body's most important nutrients is Vitamin D, which is naturally found only in sunlight? Without this nutrient a wide variety of physical health problems lays waste to our already frail bodies.

We need headlights to drive. We need flashlights in the dark. We light candles when our electricity goes out. We need light. We crave it. We long for it...

We need Light.
But some deny it. Isn't it ironic?

Isn't it beautiful and simple that the Maker of Light would create our bodies in such a way that we need light?

Between two friends...what it's really like

In response to my last blog post, my friend Jenny (my breast cancer buddy) emailed me this:

I just read your blog, and I cried….at work!! You put so eloquently in words what I haven’t been able to say for months. I’m really feeling a lot of the same emotions, but I’m not sure how to work through them. I’m tired of hearing “time heals everything” even though I know there is some truth in it. While my heart wants to give all of these feelings to the Lord, I’m not sure what to do with them while I’m waiting for Him to take care of them. Does that make sense? It’s like I can vow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to give it all to Him, but the feelings are still there when I’m done. Then what? I am having some delayed anger about cancer, and I despise feeling angry about anything. I despise that cancer has made me feel like I’m trapped in a 90 year old body with no energy to do the things that I WANT to do. I get angry when I feel anxious, because it’s cancer’s fault that I feel that way. Obviously I’m missing something, because I haven’t been able to snap out of it this time. This feeling is lingering and I don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong….I count my blessings each day and there are many to count. It’s like I first went in to survival mode when I was diagnosed, and it was all medical and physical. It was about surviving. Now, we have moved on to the part about LIVING, and I am having more trouble with that than with surviving. It stinks and I’m generally mad that I even feel this way!

None of that even touches how busy we are. Both of our lives are hectic, and that can be ok. But it doesn’t leave any energy to work through the rest of this or to do the things we love. Ugh! I really want a long vacation (oh, but wait, cancer took all of my vacation time! lol)

Ok, I’m done venting….promise. You are just the only one who truly understands that. I promise I will call you soon. Love you!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I emailed her this:

Wow. I continue to be amazed at the fact that we are in this together, side-by-side. What great sovereignty from God! I don't really know what to say because we've both already said it. This is what it is. All I can do at this point in my journey is seek the Lord's face, despite my circumstances, pray, and talk it out. And try to ignore my issues otherwise, because that is when I get overwhelmed. It seeps out anyway, but I prefer the seeping over constant despair. I wish I knew more to tell you. I agree wholeheartedly that the hardest part is getting through it while we are waiting on Him to take care of it, but I think that is the point maybe: the realization that we need Him for the journey and He has us on this journey for some reason. I keep reminding myself that He grieves when I grieve so He doesn't like to see me suffer, but in and through my suffering, more glory is brought to His name...so I endure, so He endures with me, for His own Namesake. Does that make any sense? This is me on a good day. If you would have picked up the phone the other night, I'm sure I wouldn't be quite in the place I am right this moment. I've found myself really angry a lot too. But where does anger go? No where. So sometimes I take it out of its box and hold it and beat it up a little, then cry for a while, and then I put it away again. I can't deal with being mad all the time, it makes me crazy, just like you said. As Dr. Crisp (the Composition director at UALR) says, "What do you get when you're annoyed? Annoyed." I really like that because it is simple but so true. So I've been letting that run through my head lately, only more like anger in place of annoyance. My dad also said today, "You're doing okay, even if you think you aren't, you are. The reality is that even if you weren't okay, you'd still be okay because of Jesus. So you're okay." That was really good for me. No matter what, I'm okay. I don't like to think about the "what", but I know in my heart it's true. I hope all that makes sense and doesn't sound as jumbled as I think it does. ;) I'm grateful for you. I feel like this email is more me processing than trying to help you, just want you to know that. Sometimes I just need to think outloud. I'm grateful that I have you and that we are in this together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought it was worthwhile to share this because this is as real as it gets: two young women, married, with children, diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time, fighting everyday for health, peace, joy--against fear, sickness, sadness, depression. This is what it looks like to see life through my eyes.

The irony of it all...

The writer in me is longing for the one major creative thing that I am not doing right now. I miss it. I have so many prompts going through my head but often they fleetingly pass while I drive down the interstate, while I'm sitting in class supposed to be paying attention or teaching my students, when I close my eyes to sleep and am more than exhausted...so barely a single written word has been typed by these fingers recently. It frustrates me because I need and want to be beginning my thesis project (which will be a creative nonfiction piece based on my cancer journey) but I haven't the time. The irony? That I'm working on my Master of Arts in Writing and I don't have time to actually write. Well maybe I should say I don't have time to write what I want to write. I digress.

The other irony is the wealth of emotion that is bubbling up out of me. I've mentioned in the past how I tend to be a late mourner. I deal with emotion in retrospect instead of in the moment, at least the heavy, serious emotion that comes with death and disease. I feel like the deep well of my cancer is just now starting to rush out. I've been dealing with emotions like despair, worry, stress, fear... I feel like I'm eating the words I once said, "I cannot live in fear of cancer. I chose not to live in fear." It is certainly a choice, and I don't WANT to live in fear of it and yet I find myself in that place. I fear a recurrance. I fear the repercussions of what it has done to me physically: osteoporosis, lymphedema, never being able to sleep like a normal person again, never having age appropriate energy again, permanence in all these earthly issues my body deals with on a daily basis.

I'm having some kind of crazy arm issues right now. The right arm on the side that had cancer, 9 lymph nodes removed, and then radiation. It started Friday night. I was sitting on the couch in the living room and was noticing that my arm was sore underneath and down to the elbow. I was considering if I had fallen, scraped, or bumped it when suddenly it got firey hot in that exact place...kind of like fever. It was hot until I fell asleep. Since then the symtoms have come and gone. I saw my massage therapist (the one that did my massages when I was on radiation and is doing them for free once a month for me right now) yesterday and in passing shared the symtoms with her. She is a lymphatic therapist and was immediately concerned about the possibility of lymphedema. I had considered that, but since no one has thought it important enough to explain to me what I should watch for besides swelling in my arm (which I don't think I'm having and is apparently a later symtom of lymphedema) I haven't known what to think. I beat myself up a lot about these weird and random symtoms because I was called a hypochondriac in junior high by some people close to me and apparently it has affected me more than I realize. I did take a lot of medicine growing up, but that was in good part due to an unhealthy view of medicine that was imparted to me by a family member. I guess I often wonder how all this crazy stuff can happen to one person at the age when I should be healthy and vibrant. I don't want it to be there though, so I need to not allow that attack to get to me. But it does.

I think I've just been so incredibly overwhelmed because my days are so full. Even when I have down time, I need to be doing something: grading papers, reading for class, planning my day tomorrow, spending time with the kids, cleaning house, etc. My energy level has been pitiful. Usually I can get up and function okay until about 11am and then it's like the bottom drops out from underneath me, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I'm shaky all the time, even when I "feel" okay. I don't get it. I've been drinking Mt. Dew again to get through my day because I'm like, "I HAVE to function. I can't not feel good." And the reality is that I WANT to feel good. I WANT to do all that I'm doing. I don't do it begrudgingly (except for cleaning toilets, I mean c'mon! :) and it sucks that I feel like I can't keep up with the demands of my schedule. I mean SUCKS!! Yeah, there it is! I want to YELL!!! I HATE what my body has been through. It's hard and overwhelming and I wonder if I'll ever be able to compartmentalize that part of my life again or will it always be this consumming?

I'm not mad at God. He is the only calm in this storm. The reality is that I know I'm not doing so well emotionally right now because I don't even have time to be with Him and THAT is what I need the MOST. I actually made myself get up 15 minutes earlier yesterday to spend time with the Lord. That was the first time in years that I've gotten up early (and not been interrupted) to spend time with my Jesus (I have spent time with Jesus in years, but usually during the day or in the evenings...just thought I'd clarify, lol.). And my day yesterday was amazing. The first day that I haven't felt crappy in weeks. But then I didn't do it today. I didn't have to get up early to go teach so I thought I'd sleep in, and today has been bad physically. I didn't go to class today because I felt so bad. See a pattern? I think so.

Here let me clean all that verbal vomit off of you. Sorry about that... I'm glad it's out there now. ;)

This is where He is taking me. He wants it all. I need to give it all to Him...